It's just matter of time...
Time will heal everything...
Though I hate to admit that I do miss talking to him. We're on this unspoken-self imposed-non speaking-terms agreement...
It's amazing how much you can miss someone and suddenly forget a lot of things on the way, like the reasons why you broke up in the first place.
Love is not supposed to be blind...though your feelings might want to tell you otherwise (like they are trying to do right now)...It's good to have friends and people that will try and make everything clear, so you can be kept in check...
Cause the breakup was for a reasons significant enough to dissolve something that lasted for a year and something...
And distance can be a bitch...and it's so frustrating that he couldn't wait for me (which I guess it's understandable)... It's just that (sadly) this event makes the past seem somewhat ethereal. As if the words, the caring, the love was all a façade (though I know it wasn't)...cause if you love someone, why can you not wait? Why not make sacrifices? I mean we are already adults and everybody around me reminds me of that when I see my elementary school friends with marriages, children and divorces...
I had to grow up some time ago when my mom passed away, and slowly but steadily I have made my way; and I don't mean to be praised by this, cause it's not something to be be praised for, it was just my way to cope with her death, and nobody should have to bear that at such a young age (and that's why I think it's harder on my sisters). Again, moving here on my own, with my own money and my own resources was again a reminder of this adult stage, just in case I ever forgot. But as an adult, I felt ready to start taking responsibilities, sacrifices...heck dare I say even marriage? (though this wasn't very feasible because we were going to study in different places) But what I mean is that I was ready, I felt ready to do something that was more long-term.
This perspective is what makes us different...I grew up fast in the last couple of years and became independent because of my circumstances. I did not depend on my father or anyone. And i think this situation is very common among many people that I know and in my socioeconomic status. Because he depends greatly on his parents, and I now understand that it is not easy for him to pick up everything and make a decision, cause he is not doing much by himself...and this was never a problem and it's not necessarily a bad thing, but now that I think about it...it resurfaces in this situation.
So, I must remind myself that feelings can be misleading, though not necessarily ill intentioned. I truly believed in all the love that I got to enjoy with him...but the garden of forking paths came, and it was not about a story within a story, more like a definite chapter.
And right now, I feel OK...for the moment I feel at peace... More like satisfied. It's not that he doesn't deserved me (cause that sounds wrong and weird) he did, because we were together for a while, but in the future I need someone that wants to be in that same future with me...
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it's too late to think clearly anymore, and I'm going to bed. Tomorrow I have to go to another football game to carry out more field work.
Laters...
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